sailorbryant:

a-fragile-sort-of-anarchy:

Bad News: Our boss locked the keys inside the building.

Good News: We didn’t have to wait around for a locksmith.

Bad News: My boss finds it very concerning that I know how to pick locks, and tried to unlock my Tragic Backstory™. I was too embarrassed to admit that the reason I learned was because, at thirteen, I figured that was the kind of skill that would impress cute girls.

Good News: A cute girl saw me do it.

Bad News: It was Maggie, and since she’s already seen me fall out of several trees, cry because I saw a fawn that was just too damn small, and knows I can ride a unicycle, she’ll never think I’m cool no matter what I do. It’s too late. She knows.

There are million dollar blockbuster movies that were less entertaining than the rollercoaster this post just took me on. 

semprejogabonito:

thefuzzydave:

so much smol

Who the fuck are you? Snow White?

pippenpaddlopsicopolisthethird:

Tracking Service, as helpfully as possible: Your order is out for delivery! It should arrive by 8 PM today!

Me, sitting by the door at 8:12 AM: pakige

no-i-know-her:

jonsoki:

petite-ursus:

Somewhere between (งಠ_ಠ)ง and  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  every day.

Ah the ever elusive ¯\_( ಠ_ಠ)_/¯

I’m more like (งツ)ง tbh.

babydreamgirl:

some man: damn what man hurt you?

me:

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joshpeckofficiall:

i just saw graffiti and all it said was ‘bagels!’….i’m really happy somebody is passionate enough about bagels to spray paint it on a wall

koyla:

ever wanna raise an emotionally sound child just to flex on your parents ?

rbertdowneyjr:

me: *thinks nasty shit*

in the tags: he is so pretty :)

esmeriandreamer:
“”

rabdoidal:

orriculum:

circegrimoire:

orriculum:

My friend was shuffling a new tarot deck and she said excitedly “I cant wait to see what sort of bond I have with this deck!” And then the first card she pulled was the fool

yall really gonna expose me like this huh

what else am i gonna do

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